Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
