you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
