just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
