If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just found puke in my bra..
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
