dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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