Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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