On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
