Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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