You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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