i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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