now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
