You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
