i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize