Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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