i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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