i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize