There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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