omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
