she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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