if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
