i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
