I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
this boner is exhausting
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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