dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize