oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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