Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
