His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize