I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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