I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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