so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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