My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
