I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize