This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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