The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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