Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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