He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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