New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
