How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize