Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
