Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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