I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
