So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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