So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my shit smells like andre
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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