I looked at my own cervix.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize