Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
