is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
