I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
