OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
