The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
