The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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