i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize