I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Is it because I queefed?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
