My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
