Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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