I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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