Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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