Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
