First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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