You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize