and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
