I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
