I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
