so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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