My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize