Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
