My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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