i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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