currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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