Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
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