Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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