why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
