do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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