You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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